Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from Garfield to Grumpy Cat — to narrate your posts, who would it be?
“Meow, meow, meow, hiss”
“Tabby that will not work, Not everyone can speak meow.”
“Mrs. Human the only members of the public that read my blogs are felines. I am a their voice to the human world.”
“But there are some humans that also read your blogs.”
“Really. Ok, start recording Mrs. Human, I am ready. Shall I say a few words just to tune up the microphone.”
“That might be a good idea.”
“Down with hard vitamin food pellets. Territorial rights for all felines.”
“Just a minute Tabby, it is only a voice test, not a manifesto.”
“I was just practicing Mrs. Human. Can I do the real thing now?”
“Go ahead. You should wear the headphones.”
“I do not wear headphones, my ears cannot support them. To continue:
Roschti, Butch, Tiddles and Tootsie, I am recording this blog in human, Meow, meow, meow.”
“Tabby that is not human.”
“I know, I was just putting in a few words for my feline followers.”
“Perhaps you could translate?”
“I don’t think so Mrs. Human. All I said was “we felines have to stoop to the usage of a primitive language for the humans now and again”.
To continue: It is with pleasure that I can now enlighten the humans on how to respect a member of the feline species. Our food bowls are to be continuously filled. There is no such thing as dinner and supper in our meow tongue, feeding time is a continuous episode in our lives to be savoured when we are in the mood, and not when humans feel it should be done. Remember, o humans, we should be treated with the due respect that warrants our privilege as being worshipped as gods in the old country. Unfortunately a certain amount of respect for our existence has been lost, due to various incidents involving witches and killing and eating the human’s budgerigar or canary. This could be avoided. We prefer to take our prey outside in the freedom of nature, but some of us felines have the fate to be kept behind closed doors and so we take what we can. It is one of our laws of nature “if it moves, has feathers, kill it and eat it”, which explains the demise of Tweety and Chirpy and all their relations. As a result you will have happy, healthy, well fed cats. Do not forget the feline does not live on hard vitamin pellets alone, there is a need for fresh fish. In this connection I would tell the humans that the time is now ripe for a paw friendly tin opener…..
Mr. Human, you have unplugged the microphone.”
“Yes Tabby, think you have made your point.”
“But I wanted to tell all the humans to kneel when we enter a room and ….”
“Tabby, no, it is enough.”
“But Whiskers Lenin said ”The best way to destroy the human system is the invention of the paw friendly tin opener.”