Feline RDP #61: Feline Pulse

Tabby

“Tabby why do you put your paw in your water bowl when you are drinking?”

“That is obvious Mrs. Human. To make sure my water doesn’t escape. If I keep my paw in the water then it stays where it is. It moves in the rhythm to my pulse vibrations.”

“But water cannot escape.”

“Of course it can. I see water everywhere that has managed to break out from its bowl. I want to make sure that my water stays where it is when I am drinking. And I need the water to cool my paws and maintain my pulse.”

“But you are making the water dirty by putting your paws in it.”

“Are you insinuating that I have dirty paws? I am washing them continuously and even use them to clean my whiskers. Keeping them in water maintains the equilibrium of my requirements for a healthy feline life, and stops the water escaping.”

“That is a little too complicated for me Tabby.”

“Of course, you are a mere human. Your water escapes from the spouts on the wall and afterwards disappears, never to be seen again. One day you will no longer have any more water. You should really use your hand to keep it where it is.”

“Is that feline logic Tabby?”

“Of course not, it is a fact of life.”

“And what about the water that falls from the sky, the rain.”

“That is the water that escapes from the humans because they do not keep their hands in the water. And now leave me to enjoy my water and do not ask such stupid questions. humans have no logic. And don’t distract me. Did you see that? Some water escaped from my bowl.”

“No Tabby, you moved your paw, and the water splashed onto the ground.”

“And the moon is made of tuna fish. You humans really have strange explanations for the meaning of life.”

Feline RDP #61: Feline Pulse

Feline RDP #60: Feline Quarry

Tabby

Meow kittens. I have my own quarry in my territory. I like to keep it clean. It is ideal for collecting water which has a very good flavour. The stones are paw sized  and ideal for my needs. There used to be grass and flowers there but I told Mrs. Human that is nothing for a special feline like myself. That is for the common felines, the ones that sit on the human laps and think that the humans are their mothers, obeying their commands and being thankful for their food and care. Remember kittens, always be one paw ahead of the humans, we deserve the best treatment.

I am the chief here and I decide how my territory should be. No flowers or grass, but the stuff that feline comfort is made of and where we can bury our little secrets with no-one knowing.  I give Mrs. Human the command to spray my stones daily and to rake through the stones. It keeps her out of mischief and gives her a purpose in her human life. I do not sit on her lap, it would be degrading for such a feline with ancestors that were once gods.

Kittens, remember humans are there to follow our orders. Do not accept anything else. We deserve the best quality, not special bargains. Above all, remember, turn you noses up when served with hard unappetising vitamin pellets, we are worth more than that.

Feline RDP #60: Feline Quarry

Feline RDP#59: Whispering Feline

Tabby

“There you are Tabby. I was looking for you everywhere.”

“Ok Mrs. Human, big deal, now you have found me. Can I now relax and enjoy my sleep or did you have something important to tell me.”

“I was wondering where you were.”

“So what’s the deal. Something to eat? A bird fell out of a tree and needs beak to mouth resuscitation, or a mouse has built a home in the garden cupboard and it you want me to welcome it to its new home.”

“No, nothing like that Tabby, I was just wondering where you were hiding.”

“I am hiding on a chair outside on the porch to avoid any mutual contact with the human species, or any other species. I need quiet, I must meditate and concentrate my thoughts on the meaning of life. I do not need human sound waves interrupting my thought processes. Do you ever hear me talk Mrs. Human.”

“Just a meow now and again Tabby, You are not exactly the master of conversation, and most of it seems to be done by telepathy. I think you talk more to the wall outside than you do to me.”

“Mrs. Human I often talk to you, but you never listen. I tell you to bring more tuna fish, I tell you to give me a tummy tickle not to mention guarding my territory whilst I am sleeping, but to no avail. Your concentration on my needs could  be improved.”

“So what would you like me to do now Tabby-”

“You could clean my litter box, fill up my food and water bowl and above all just stop talking. I want to relax and forget all the burdens of my life. I am exhausted, wake me in a few hours, but stop talking.”

“I could whisper.”

“No, Mrs. Human, that does not work. Humans are not equipped with the right volume frequencies for whispering and we felines are not known for conversations. We give the orders and human obey. So can I now continue my sleep undistrubed on this comfortable chair where I can live in seclusion. Just wake me when something interesting happens.”

“Such as?”

“My food bowl is filled with tuna fish.”

Feline RDP#59: Whispering Feline

Feline RDP #57:Feline Moon

Nera moon

My litter sister Nera would gaze at the moon for hours
She said it was very good because it has its powers
In days of old, when we were sabre toothed
We would walk the paths, and were even hoofed
We would spring and jump, just like a live wire
Everyone would fear us, even the vampire
But they were the days when the humans were in trees
We were the gods and they would shake at the knees
Nera is now gone but visits now and again
She is now in the land of the moon when it is on the wane
I am now the boss, although she gives me advice
Keep the humans on their toes, and do not be too nice
Make sure your bowl is full, and do not forget high noon
Remember to howl and meow, especially at full moon

Feline RDP #57:Feline Moon

Feline RDP #56: Feline Salvage

Tabby

I wish I had a zip, my coat must go
the sun in beating down, I will have to learn to sew
Imagine how it is when you are dressed in fur
I can only hiss and  would prefer to purr
I need air conditioning to cool my whiskers down
I tried a scratch on the ear, but it only made me frown
In the shade of a tree, my body feels better
I feel so hot, because I am wearing a fur sweater
Perhaps there might be buttons, I could then undress
I wish the sun would go, to take away the stress
But now comes a cloud, at last I am saved
the cloud has disappeared, I think I should shave
I will now go and hide, the zip cannot be found
I am doing something wrong and I will go to ground
I will sink my paws in water and hide beneath  a tree
My zip and buttons are missing, there is something wrong with me

Feline RDP #56: Feline Salvage

Feline RDP #55: Feline Travel

Tabby

Of course I travel, but I have such a stress that I hardly have the time. I have my sleeping duties to perform, combined with regular washing and then of course I have to fit the meals in when I am awake. If only the day had more hours.

I usually combine the travelling with territory inspection. My territory is marked with my signs and there are always other felines that are planning on taking over. There is a barrier surrounding my territory where the machines with wheels have taken over. If only the humans had stayed in the trees where they belong. They made a big mistake when they decided to invent the wheel. Life was so peaceful. Now we felines cannot extend our territories because of the wheeled monsters.

Now and again I have to travel in one of things on wheels, but where do I go? I am travelling, but not to a feline holiday camp, only to the vet where I am subjected to one horror after the other in the name of being good for me. They jab me  and stick some sort of instrument in my private part. Afterwards the vet says everything under control.  I do not feel very much under control, my dignity is injured. Good for me I understand as being fed with tuna fish every day and being left in peace and quiet to sleep with no unwanted disturbances. Humans should be seen and not heard and only  be available for the feline needs.

And now I shall travel to my bed for a relaxing sleep.

Feline RDP #55: Feline Travel

Feline RDP #54: Reflecting Feline

Tabby

Gather around kittens, some wise words from the feline oracle

I was reflecting on the meaning of a feline life.
We were born free, more or less, following the scent of the hunt
We are equipped with teeth to tear and fangs to bite
Feline destiny was not to chew on bland pellets that were dead material
Humans worshipped us, got down on their knees, carved statues in our likeness
Our natural talent of mice hunting, freeing the corn chambers of their attacks was appreciated.
We were the kings of civilisation.

Today we are reduced to the whims of the humans.
They open tins of tuna fish with their opposable thumbs
They make sure that our bowls are always filled with food
Our water supply is constant
They give us tummy tickles and reward us with kibbles
They open doors for us to go out
They worry if we do not come home and when we do we are spoilt with affection
They empty our litter boxes

Why do we let them do it?
Is this the meaning of life?

Of course it is
Why do it yourself when you have a human to do it for you

Yes, I have discovered the true values of why we are here
To give the humans a purpose in their lives
They would be lost without us

Do I want to return to the days when we cats were kings of the plains
where it was all our territory?
No way, so you think I am a fool
Hunting days for food that you cannot find
And hiding from anything that is bigger that you are as you might be its next meal

The solution to all feline problems is adopt a human
Why do it yourself when you can have a human to do it for you

Feline RDP #54: Reflecting Feline

Feline RDP #53: Feline Zing

Tabby

Feline Zing is the motivation for doing things at the right time in the right place. I sleep because my Zing tells me it is time to sleep. Sometimes the Zing also sleeps and so we both decided to float into the world of Zing. It is a wonderful place to be. Birds flying within paw reach, mice calling come and catch me and above all paws that can capture the Zing of life.

Zing tells me to wake and then I get the real zingy feeling from head to claw for an overall wash. Zing is guiding me through the forest of fur, licking every part of my wonderful body and afterwards I am refreshed, the Zing has again achieved its purpose, but we are tired and so we sleep another few hours. I must recover from the last sleep and my Zing helps me on the way.

Suddenly Zing awakes and zings towards the food bowl where a delicious plate of food is awaiting my attention. Zing now drives me on to achieve its result. Tired and exhausted from the act of eating I collapse together with my Zing and we sleep again. Suddenly I have a feeling that I must go places and see things. I pack my Zing in my fur and we depart for journey to the unknown. The land of Zing is waiting. There are big Zings waiting to help me on the way. Humans have guardian angels, and felines have Zings. What more can I say. Without a Zing in your life, you are lost, there is no point. It is something similar to my wall that I observe most of the time. There are signals in a feline world that only we recognise. Long live the Zing and the wall of course.

Feline RDP #53: Feline Zing

Feline RDP #52: Feline Time

Tabby

“What’s the time Mrs. Human?”

“It’s almost six in the evening.”

“Doesn’t exist in meow Mrs. Human, you should know that. We felines have our own body clocks. It is either time to eat, time to sleep, time to wash, or time to produce a hairball.”

“And what if the time does not cover any of those things?”

“Then I would be entering my 10th life, and I still a few more to go first. My whiskers tell me that they are relaxed after a refreshing sleep and a stretch, but they tell me that another sleeping session would be a good idea as this is the ideal place to sleep with my paws on the mowing monster.”

“Tabby Mowey has done is work for the day, so you can leave him now.”

“When was that? You mean he walked around my territory without my permission.”

“You were sleeping Tabby, and I did not want to wake you.”

“In that case I will continue with my sleep. Wake me when it is tuna fish time.”

“There is no tuna fish time today.”

“But my body routine tells me that it will be tuna fish time when I have finished sleeping,    although first of all it will be washing time.”

“You have your vitamin pellets to eat if you are hungry.”

“Vitamin pellet time has been removed from the daily routine. I have included it in hairball production time.”

“I thought time did not exist in meow.”

“There are always exceptions to the rule Mrs. Human.”

“But if you are now going to continue your sleep and have a wash, how will you know if tuna fish time arrives.”

“No problem. Just open the tin and I will be there. That is nose time when I smell that something is being prepared for me and ear time when the sound of the tin opener sends its waves in the correct frequency. And now for a refreshing wash.”

“I thought you wanted to continue your sleep.”

“Of course, this discussion was only an interval. Make sure you use the right tin opener for the fish, the one that makes a noise, so that I can receive the signal.”

Feline RDP #52: Feline Time

Feline RDP 51: Ducky Feline

Tabby

Listen carefully kittens, you should stay away from ducks.

Of course I like them, I love them, although often too many feathers. Take a bite in a meaty wing and you have a mouth full of feathers. Some are more beak than feathers and not worth the effort. Others have big feet, like chewing on leather. And they swim around in water all the time, meaning wet chewing.

One of the felines I knew almost choked to death on a duck bone. There should be instructions given to cats on how to eat a duck, but no two ducks are the same. Some are more beak than meat and others? They are big, really big and those beaks can get very dangerous. Personally I prefer a bird, just one bite and the job is done. Of course ducklings are quite good, just some fluff and handy sizes. They are very tasty and one comes seldom alone. The problem is their mums and dads are usually not far away and that can get quite dangerous. They like to keep their kids around until they are almost fully grown.

Tomorrow I will be back to instruct you on how to handle a mouse, much easier and very tasty.

Feline RDP #51: Ducky Feline