Feline Friday RDP: Feline Abscence

Roschti 30.08 (5)

“Mrs. Human, what is that apology for a feline doing on my meowing site?”

“But it is your friend, Roschti, the feline from next door and I thought you would be pleased to see him sharing your meowing site.”

“Mrs. Human I do not share, Felines do not share although perhaps we make an exception with our hard unappetising vitamin pellets, but we do not even share them. We give them away.”

“Roshti was sitting alone in his garden and posed for a few photos.”

“He had no business posing for anything except for “how to kill a cat by drowing”. This space is reserved for my photos. My fans and followers wait impatiently daily to see my latest pin up photos. And now they are being shown my next door neighbour licking his paw.”

Roschti 30.08 (3)

“Perhaps this photo is better Tabby.”

“No I don’t believe it. He is now licking his nose, how disgusting. How many photos of this apology for a cat did you take Mrs. Human.”

“Quite a few Tabby. Roschti was having fun and we tried all sorts of various poses. Do you want to see him washing his leg.”

“No thankyou Mrs. Human, that would be too much. I would say the best solution would be to destroy them all. I am already being bombared by requests from my fan club to have photos of Roschti with his paw print. How degrading for a unique cat like myself to have to share my Meow Page with such a cat.”

“Where are you going Tabby.”

“I am taking a sleep. In the meanwhile you must remove these shameful photos from my meow page. I am sure the are infected with some sort of strange virus. This is my site, for I, me and myself. Roschti can make his own meow pages.+

“Yes, a good idea. Roschti asked me if I would help, as the keyboard is not so paw friendly.”

“Hiss, meowow, scratch claw. Roschti should hide his face in shame.”

Roschti 30.08 (1)

Feline Friday RDP: Feline Abscence

Feline Thursday Prompt: Feline Teleporter

Tabby

“Tabby what are you doing, that looks quite ferocious.”

“I am going back to my roots, for my next teleportation.”

“No-one teleports Tabby, that is only in films.”

“Yes, but I am not no-one, I am a feline that was once worshipped as a god and still have the power.”

“What power?”

“Telepathy, human mind reading, weather prophecies, and a few others including teleporting. By the way have you seen Roschti, the feline next door. He said he will come with me this evening.”

“You mean you have made friends with him and are going out for a walk together.”

“Not exactly, as the word “friend” does not exist in meow, we cannot make friends, but we enjoy a good hiss and paw swipe together. No we are going on a group teleportation this evening. There are a few of us, it is a full moon night when planet Koshka is aliigned with the meow star and that is always a good sign. We will have a reunion with the tribal meowers.”

“But that does not exist Tabby, there is no such star or planet. I think Roschti is now waiting outside.”

“Ok, see you later. I cannot say when as time in the feline dimension has a different meaning to human time. Ready Roschti?”

“Meoeow Tabby. Give the instructions.”

“OK, Beam us up  Koshkans, we are ready.”

“Just a minute, what was that flash and bang and where is Tabby and Roschti?”

“Hi Mrs. Human, we are back again.”

“Tabby what happened?”

We were having an intercat meeting, I told you we were going.  Roschti the unbelieving human does not believe me, tell her.”

“Yes Mrs. Human, we spent a time on planet Koschka.”

“But it was only a few seconds.”

“Time goes fast when you are having fun, and we were in another galaxy.”

“Tabby, this is a bit unbelievable.”

“OK if you insist, we will take you with us the next time, although the teleporter might only work for felines and it could be that when you come back you will have fur.”

“OK, Tabby, forget it.”

“Roschti, I told you, humans will never believe our feline powers.”

“That’s better Tabby, otherwise Koshka will be a bit crowded if they want to join in.”

Feline Thursday Prompt: Feline Teleporter”

Feline Wednesday Prompt: Feline Oevre

Tabby

“Mrs. Human we have a problem.”

“I have no problem Tabby.”

“If I have a problem it becomes your problem Mrs. Human. Here I am having a quiet sleep under the shade of a tree, to keep cool, because I have not yet found the zip to my fur coat.”

“Tabby we had that one yesterday, you are repeating yourself.”

“If I do not repeat my needs, you forget them Mrs. Human. And to continue. I was in a deep sleep having a dream about mountains of tuna fish tins, where I had opposable thumbs and was opening the tins one after the other. And then it happened.”

“What happened Tabby?”

“My mountain of tuna fish tins was crushed, destroyed because it had been demolished by fallen apples.”

“I thought you did not like apples Tabby.”

“That is not the point Mrs. Human, listen to what I meow. Apples we thumping on the ground and I nearly got killed.”

“But it was only a dream, perhaps a meowmare?”

“Mrs. Human it was reality. The apples on this tree were falling and I was almost killed by a falling apple.”

“I have never heard of a feline being killed by an apple.”

“There is always a first time and I do not want the words on my pyramid “Killed by a falling apple”. It would be degrading.”

“Than I would suggest you sleep under a tree without apples.”

“Is that your solution to my life threatening experience? Remove the tree. I do not eat apples, I do not like them and I do not need them.”

“Tabby you have used the word “I” three times in that sentence. Life is not only about felines and their wishes.”

“And when you find me dead, covered in apples, you find that a good thing? Stop laughing Mrs. Human, those apples are out to get me. I will be absorbed by them and birds will peck at me.”

“Sorry Tabby, but I think you are over-exaggerating just a little. Just move to the rose bush.”

“And then I will be stabbed by thorns and bleed to death. Have you no consideration? Your garden is becoming a death trap for felines. Where are the days when it was full of catnip that I could roll in and get high on? Now it is a survival course.”

Feline Wednesday Prompt: Feline Oevre

Feline RDP Tuesday Prompt: Fair Feline

Tabby

“Found a new place Tabby?”

“What do you expect Mrs. Human, I am melting inside my fur, I am dying through hyperthermia caused by the missing zip. I need resuscitation and a cool breeze.”

“Tabby we have been through this before. There is no zip and no cat has yet been born with a zip. Your fur is attached to your body and has its own air conditioning system.”

“But humans remove their fur with buttons and zips when they are overheating and it cannot be that primitive animals have it all and we superior intelligence of the feline race cannot do this. I have now found a cooler place in my home where I can cool down. It is really not fair to the feline race. You could turn on that fan thing you have to help cool me down, but point it in my direction.”

“No Tabby, it would be too cold for me and I do not like to sit in a draught.”

“Mrs. Human this is a question of survival. I will dehydrate and collapse. You will have to give me cardiopulmonary resuscitation”

“Oh, in that case I will switch the fan on.”

“Suddenly?”

“Me resuscitate a feline? I don’t think so.”

“But it would save my life.”

“No, Tabby, just use the fan.  I would have to massage your heart and give you the breathe of life.”

“But that would be no problem.”

“Tabby I had to throw away my breakfast yesterday because you jumped on the table and began licking the butter from my bread.”

“Is that a problem? It was very tasty.”

“But no very hygienic. And giving you the breathe of life would be very similar. Just sit where you are and I will turn on the fan and you will survive.”

Feline RDP Tuesday Prompt: Fair Feline

Feline Monday Prompt: Feline Meowwomple

Tabby

Are you listening kittens, then I will begin. Today we will talk about the meaning of a genuine Meowwomple.

Tiddle paw down, and I don’t care if you know all aout Meowwomples. No it is not something for making kittens. If you want to know more about that then ask your father. You don’t know who he is? Then ask you mother. OK Tiddles your mother doesn’t want to talk about him and cannot remember him very well. Yes, we felines all have our problems I know, but now we are going to talk about the long Meowwompoles.

When night arrives, and the moon is shining surrounded by stars you will feel it in your whiskers, the pull of the womple. The day is the time to sleep, but when night arrives, it is time to go places and see things. I know it is dark Tiddles, but that is only for the humans, we felines see at night. Your homework today is go out into the garden when the humans decide to sleep and watch and observe. You will see things moving, only reserved for the eyes of a cat. I assume you all have the freedom to come and go as you please, otherwise you would not be here for my educational talks.

If a mouse crosses your path, then do not let it pass. Pack the opportunity by the neck with the teeth and afterwards enjoy your meal. If there is more than one mouse, then bring the extra mice home. Your human will be delighted in the morning to find such trophies in front of the window and if she is well educated, she will freeze them for you for an extra treat later. Of course there are humans that pack them in plastic bags not for freezing purposes, but throw them away, without recognition for our brave achievements. This is a sign that you should work harder on human education.

For the next lesson I will bring some mice and I will show you the best methods to apply for a tasty meal. No Tiddles, your human does not have to grill it and flavour it with paprika, we felines eat them pure with no added flavours.

Butch stop hissing at Tiddles and Tiddles put your claws back where they belong. I do not indulge feline differences in my classes. I know it is practice for the next mouse kill, but you can do that this evening – it will be a full moon.

Feline Monday Prompt: Feline Meowwomple

Feline RDP #87: Feline Articulation

Tabby

This is my special look to show what a poor cat I am
I sit and stare and look so sad, but all I want is ham
It is when the humans are at the table and I also want to eat
Just sit with sad eyes and a pleading look, and then I get my treat
It does not take long, I am surrounded by food, they throw it to my paws
I know it can be so humiliating, but I need it in my jaws
Of course my bowl is always full, but not with the gourmet food
All I get is dry hard vitamin pellets, and I would prefer it stewed
I give a meow here and a meow there to emphasise with force
I want your meat so  nice and juicy, and I prefer steak of course
Look into my eyes and then you can see that I have a certain goal
Just open the tin and serve it with juice, the tuna in my bowl

Feline RDP #87: Feline Articulation

Feline RDP #86: Feline Brio

Tanby

In this photo you see the real dynamic me, the feline that can do it all, the face that launched a thousand tuna fish tins, whiskers that have been trained to collect the sound waves from the atmosphere and transfer them into magnetic signals to influence all felines within meowing distance, if only they would listen. My mum said my destiny was to go places and see things and to conquer my surroundings with my creative gifts.

Mum was right, but not in all details. The only place I have been up to now was the vet and that was not a very happy experience, neither for me nor the vet. He jabbed me in my private parts and I jabbed him with my claw. I think he had to have a tetanus injection afterwards, which served him right. I have seen lots of things like the edge of my bed, my food bowl and water bowl and walls which are very good for conversations, but only if you stare at them long enough.

My creativity is mainly the assembly of hairballs. They can be in various colours, according to the construction, what I have chewed and how I am disposed. Mrs. Human does not appreciate them she finds them disgusting, but I also do not appreciate the vitamin pellets she is force feeding me on because according to the human theory they are good for me.

Otherwise I am an action packed feline, always ready to go on adventures, explore the world around me and analyse the contents of Mrs. Human’s clothing cupboard, especially the one with the soft piles of pullovers to lay on. Otherwise the biggest success in my feline life has been sleep up to now.  I can sleep for hours and have never suffered from catsomnia. Most of my adventures take part in my dreams, but one day they will all talk about me and what a fantastic, unique member of the feline race I am.

And now I will leave you to read my great words and digest them, and do not forget, I am always watching you.

Feline RDP #86: Feline Brio

Feline RDP #85: Fluffy Feline

Tabby and Fluffy

The good looking super feline on the left is me of course. On the right my apprentice Fluffy. I trained him for 12 years until he decided that the 10th life hunting mice in the eternal corn chambers was more his thing. Mrs. Human decided that I needed a new companion and so Fluffy arrived. I was getting on OK with I, me and myself and my litter sister Nera, but one day this fluffy little thing arrived and I had the job to educate him in the ways of our cat family. Fluffy was not like me, he was something different, one of those cats with papers to his name. I just had a book for the vet, but he had a family tree. What is the point? All my family looked different to each other, we liked variety, but Fluffy came from a long line of so called Selkirk Rex, all with the same coloured fur and curls. He even knew his great grandfathers name. I don’t even know my dad’s name. Of course I did my best to ignore all his airs and graces, after all he buried his recycling products the same as we all did and it even smelt the same.

Fluffy was OK, one or two paw swipes and he realised who the boss was. He was blind, couldn’t see a thing, some sort of accident, but Fluffy did not realised he was blind. Now that did cause a few problems now and again when he decided to take a walk. I don’t know what the fuss was about, but Mrs. Human would have one of those hysterical attacks when she couldn’t find him, although he always turned up again. Perhaps the neighbours found him, or it might have been Mr. and Mrs. Human who would organise a search expedition armed with their mobile phones. I must admit I did sometimes forget to close the door and give him a nudge. He did not need asking twice, he was soon out and about.

Yes I did have some fun with Fluffy. I sometimes even miss him.

Tabby and Fluffy

Feline RDP #85: Fluffy Feline

Feline RDP #84: Feline Elder

Tabby

Gather around kittens. Are you sitting comfortably, tails covering your four paws. Tiddles would you please retract your claws, we are not in a “How to protect your territory” course, it is all about growing into a distinguished feline like myself and gathering respect and recognition from the humans. Did I hear a meowing snigger. Tiddles behave, I have been there and done it all, and you have not even had your first annual jab from the vet. Yes, kittens, do not groan, we all know the vet threat, but show them who is the boss. My litter sister Nera was always one paw ahead in that respect. The vet would enter, say something stupid like “What a sweet little cat” and Nera was off, hiding behind a cupboard. The vet would usually walk away annoyed with his slaves that they were not able to restrain a simple cat, but Nera knew how to do it.

So kittens do not crawl onto the examination table, shaking in the process. Show your claws and fangs, yes Tiddles this is the moment for you, and a few hisses and loud meows are also necessary. Remember you are the boss.

Tiddles stop making paw swipes with Butch, Butch is bigger than you are and any sensible cat knows what to do in such situations. Yes Fluffy, you have put up your paw. You say that the best method when you meet a feline larger than yourself is to disappear through the cat flap and just to emphasise your victory, show your teeth and meow when you are inside and the other feline is locked outside. That is very good Fluffy, but you have forgotten something. Always check if your pursuer also has a remote device on the collar, otherwise they could be joining you behind the cat flap. It is always good to have a human near in such a situation. They like to protect us felines and show they can also be the masters. Of course, we are the true masters and the humans just our staff.

Tiddles, do not bite Butch his teeth are larger than yours. OK, your claws are sharper And now make a high five together and give a friendly hiss to each other. Very good. For our next meeting you will all bring your human with you. We will indulge in human training. Perhaps your humans might want to bring some bandages and plasters, it can sometimes get quite hectic.

Feline RDP #84: Feine Elder

Feline RDP#83: Remember Feline

Tabby

“Tabby I think you are getting forgetful.”

“Mrs. Human a feline never forgets if it does not want to.”

“But this morning it seems you wanted to. The neighbour rang the doorbell and told us that a feline, looking very much like you, was hiding in a corner of the staircase beneath some newspapers. She was wondering if it could be you. Mr. Human had a look and he carried you home again because you seemed to be confused.”

“It was just a test Mrs. Human to see if you cared when I disappeared and you passed the test.”

“I don’t think so Tabby. The neighbour said that the kids from next door were making noise and you got very confused.”

“Don’t believe everything you hear Mrs. Human. The main thing is that I am back home again in my surroundings where I know everything.”

“Mr. Human and the neighbour said you seeed to be worried and did not know where to go. What were you doing outside on the staircase.”

“I told you it was a test. You left the door open and I decided to explore and discover if you cared when I disappeared. Did you notice I did not fight or scratch when Mr. Human picked me up, it was all part of the exercise.”

“But what were you doing climbing stairs and going to places that you did not know.”

“Even felines have to have a change of scenery sometimes. I decided that the scenery change was not my thing and through telepathy required Mr. Human to carry me back home.”

“Seems to me you were lost and did not know where to go.”

“Felines never get lost and we always know where to go. Are you glad to see me again?”

“To be quite honest Tabby, I did not even notice you were gone until the neighbour called.”

“Oh, but you are relieved that I am back in my own four walls.*

“Yes, of course, although I did not realise you were gone. Now stop crying Tabby.”

“I am not crying, just yawning.”

Feline RDP#83: Remember Feline