Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Secrete

Tabby

“Mrs. Human, where is my hairball.”

“Which hairball Tabby.”

“The one I placed on the carpet in the bathroom. It is no longer there.”

“Of course not Tabby, I do like hairballs on my bathroom carpet.”

“But that is my favourite carpet. The size fits my body perfectly and is always nice and warm when the sun no longer shines. I made the hairball extra for the bathroom carpet so that I would feel more at home.”

“Sorry Tabby, but your hairballs do not make me feel at home.”

“Do not forget Mrs. Human, this is my home, I just put up with you for emptying my recycling tray and filling my bowls with food and water. You also have decorations like photos on the wall and strange ornaments which are probably your gods. I also like to have some decoration to make it more homely and so I produced a hairball with feeling. I loved that hairball, it was so colourful and nicely shaped. Where is it.?”

“Sorry Tabby, but I put it in the garbage can.”

“You threw it away? My hairball? Hairballs are not easy to manufacture Mrs. Human. It needs energy to form them, Shall I tell you the secrets of the hairball forming processes.”

“No thank you Tabby, just keep your secrets to yourself.”

“But if you realise the effort and time I invest in their production, you would have more respect for the result. A hairball does not belong in the garbage but in a special place where it can be worshipped as we felines were when we were gods.”

“Tabby, sorry, but I do not find anything special about a hairball and watching you produce one is not exactly exciting.”

“You watched me produce it and dispose of it as if it was nothing, How would you like it when I would throw away your photos.”

“Tabby that is not the same.”

“Of course not, my hairballs live, they are memories, no respect for felines.”

“Forget it Tabby, I really do not want to have a conversation about hairball organisation. What about eating some real food: a nice bowl of tuna fish, but no hairball fabrication.”

“Ok Mrs. Human, but hairballs are not made from tuna fish. The best results are with vitamin pellets.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Secrete

Feline RDP Friday: Feline Justice

Tabby

I am going on a march to complain about my food
The tuna fish is once a week and I find that very crude
Instead my bowl is full of pellets, hard and tasteless too
They fill my bowl up to the rim, instead of just a few
The humans eat steak and mince, sometimes even a bird
I might get a piece or two, but I find that most unheard
Sabre tooth tigers, my actual roots, they would tear the birds apart
But Mrs. Human cuts in slices, I get a very small part
Where are the days when I would hunt. hang the heads of the game on the wall
what has become of the King of the jungle, to the vitamin pellets we must crawl
Life is hard for many felines, Mrs. Human tells me so
But I have the problems training her, for results that do not show
On the other paw I should not complain and I do not want to weep
I need a slave to do it all to enable twenty-three hours sleep
And so I munch on vitamin pellets and pretend they might be mice
Mrs. Human has her fixed ideas, but I really want tuna fish twice

Feline RDP: Feline Justice

Feline RDP Thursday: Hirsute Feline

Tabby

I am cleaning my fur with a very sharp tongue
There are too many hairs that get into my lung
Mrs. Human says it different, I have hair on my teeth
It means I am self confident, my claws are in a sheath
You really do not want to know, but my findings I will share
Licking fur hair by hair you really must take care
I once sat on a snail, it did not want to leave
A lick was done,  fur stuck on my tongue through my nose I could not breathe
I also found a tic that was filling up with blood, I gave it a shake and it fell into the mud
And if you sit on ants, they can be so very itchy
I have to roll in the dirt, because they make me twitchy
My fur can be a paradise for creatures big and small
But I have my own method and rub myself on the wall
And now you know why walls are my friends through thick and thin
They help to expel the passengers I carry, for fur that is a win

Feline RDP Thursday: Hirsute Feline

Feline RDP Wednesday: Inspiring Feline

Tabby

Mrs. Human is constantly taking photos of me. She is inspired by my natural feline features, my beauty. I must admit when I need a few quiet moments to myself, it is not exactly ideal when someone tells you to look in this or that direction. I usually look away to show who is the boss, but she tricked me with this photo.

She was settling down to her daily sleep after lunch and I decided I would join her. I remember the days when my mum would sleep and we kittens would all begin our paw exercises laying next to her until we were all sleeping. So Mrs Human lays on the bed, I get a little closer and begin to move my two front paws up and down, the duvet is so soft. Suddenly Mrs. Human is awake, grabs her telephone camera and takes a quick photo. That is not fair as I do not have time to look in the other direction.

One advantage is that you now see the depth of my beauty. Look at those wonderful eyes.    Humans say they are green, although I do not do colour. And the whiskers, so perfect. And can you see the MacDonalds “M” on my forehead. Ok, it needs some imagination, but it is an impressionist version in the style of Whiskers Picasso. I am sure I have now inspired you all to possess a copy of this photo. for one tin of tuna fish to be sent to my home, you will get a signed photo with my own paw print, what a bargain.

Feline RDP Wednesday: Inspiring Feline

Feline RDP Tuesday: Feline Migration

Tabby

I migrated to the next door territory, but it did not smell like mine
And then I pawed my way to a field, but I found it full of swine
Mrs. Human said stay where you are, it is the best foundation
But I want to go places and see other things, I need a long vacation
I packed my cat nipcz and tins of tuna hunger to overcome
In a few minutes had to return I had no opposable thumb
The tuna fish stayed at home, I decided to catch mice on the way
They ran and hid in their homes underground and so I had to stay
Migration is not for felines like us, we like to stay at home
The humans also have their use, I decided not to roam
And now I am sleeping on a nice warm bed, the outdoor life not for me
Mrs. Human is giving me a tummy tickle, better than climbing a tree
Life away  can be very hard and gives me tiresome paws
I must be recognised as the queen that I am, and have my daily applause

Feline RDP Tuesday: Feline Migration 

Feline RDP Monday: Quaint Feline

Tabby

“There you are Tabby, you look quite determined.”

“I am Mrs. Human. I was just sharpening my claws and am on my way to Roschti, the feline next door, to have a few paw swipes with him.”

“You seem to be quite annoyed. I hope we will not be having a cat fight with yowls and meows and dashing through cat flaps to escape.”

“Mrs. Human I never dash through a cat flap. I stand on my four paws to the bitter end.”

“It seems to me that you are always running away from the other feline.”

“I am not, the other feline is always following me to beg for forgiveness.”

“Oh, I see, I must have been mistaken. So what is the problem with Roschti?”

“He laughed at me and said I was being quaint and old fashioned and I am not such a modern feline. My hairballs are all examples of modern art, impressionist.”

“You mean he was laughing at your hairballs?”

“Not exactly, he said I was not moving with the times and today every self-respecting feline eats vitamin pellets. Tuna fish is old fashioned and not so healthy.”

“But perhaps he might be right.”

“Of course he isn’t. It is only an excuse because his slaves only feed him on pellets. They are too lazy to open a tin. He would love to have a share of my tuna fish. All fake excuses.”

“But Tabby, just because you do not like healthy vitamin pellets it does not mean that other felines do not like them and it is really no reason to fight about it. You should really sit down together and talk it over. perhaps share a bowl of vitamin pellets to prove that you also enjoy eating them.”

“Yes a good idea.”

“Where are you going Tabby?”

“I can hear Roschti sharpening his claws on a tree and he is bigger than me.  Wake me up when it is time for my next bowl of tuna fish.”

“But I though you were ready for a fight with Roschti.”

“Changed my mind.”

Feline RDP Monday: Quaint Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Panoply

Tabby

Today kittens we are preparing for our life alone in the big wide world. You wil learn to defend your rights and above all to protect your territory.

“Yes Tiddles. How you know it is your territory? Because you have already marked it with your own signs of course.”

“But my mum says marking is not the idea, you just take what you want. You can meow about who the smells belong to afterwards if they are still alive.”

“Your mum seems to have some revolutionary thoughts on possession.”

“She says everything belongs to you, just a matter of having sharp claws.”

“But you are still a kitten Tiddles and can easily lose the battle.”

“My mum said no problem, just call her and she will show who is the boss.”

“And what does you father say.”

“Don’t know, we have a lot of dads living with my mum. She cannot even remember which one is my dad.”

And now just a few points to remember for your future life kittens. “Yes Tiddles, I know, the kittens can always ask your mum if they are not sure. I am  certain she knows all the answers.”

Always sharpen your claws before going anywhere, you never know who might be waiting outside the cat flap. Be prepared and scratch first, ask questions afterwards.

Test your teeth, preferably on a piece of steak, nice and bloody. Bite into it and tear it apart. Tasting blood is always a positive action, it gives you the confidence you need to win the battle.

It is also a good idea to not eat anything before going. You then feel hungry and have more interest in the kill,

If you find a victim have a good sniff first of all to make sure it is the stuff that we felines like to eat. If the smell is right give it a prod and if it moves, then kill it.

Do not forget, if it barks then run in the other direction, you are not yet ready for that. “Yes Tiddles, I am sure your mum has no problems with the ones that bark.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Panoply</a>