Feline RDP Thursday: Unaware Feline

Roschti 22.02 (1)

“That was a lot of noise when you entered the cat flap Tabby.”

“I was in a hurry Mrs. Human. I just had a close encounter of the third kind.”

“We have been invaded by extra terrestrial cats?”

“You don’t have to laugh Mrs. Human, it was not funny. As I made one paw step outside, there he was, Roschti my enemy from next door. He was waiting to pounce, to hiss and to scratch. I decided retreat was the best method of defence in this case.”

“But I thought Roschti was your friend.”

“Friend does not exist in meow Mr. Human. It is better to avoid confrontation. I decided you can go outside and scare him away. Just speak in your loud human voice and give him a push in the right direction.”

“Tabby you can fight your own battles.”

“And have a paw fight where I could get injured.”

“You  can perhaps have a sensible talk with him and explain that you do not want him to invade your territory and you will in return not invade his territory.”

“Do what? No Mrs. Human, we do not have discussions, we give instructions. And no way will I agree not to invade his territory, that is against all feline logic.”

“In that case you will have to deal with it yourself.”

“And if I get injured and have to go to the vet for an expensive treatment?”

“Ok Tabby, where is he, I will have a few words with him.”

You see, you just have to apply some feline psychology to solve human problems. Money talks all languages, even meow.

Feline RDP Thursday: Unaware Feline

Feline RDP Wednesday: Feline Brilliance

Tabby

“Just look at me: my perfect whiskers, my wonderful fur and my Macdonalds “M” on my forehead. I radiate brilliance, what more can I say. I am the most perfect feline you have ever seen, you must admit it. My fur reflects brilliance, it shines with its beauty. Look at the stripes on my fur, such perfection you see rarely.”

“Ok Tabby, that will do, we all know how brilliant you are.”

“I just wanted to say it. The problem is I am so modest and definitely do not want to show-off, but the subject is brilliance, and let’s face it I am brilliant.”

“In that case show us all what a brilliant feline you are and eat your vitamin pellets like a good cat.”

“Vitamin pellets are beneath my dignity Mrs. Human. If you are something special and unique as I am, then you must be fed with the necessary food, and definitely not vitamin pellets. Salmon, or caviar would be something matching my exclusive qualities.”

“Oh dear Tabby. I was thinking of getting some today, but the shop had already sold the last caviar to a siamese cat.”

“To a what? They are really a lower on the scale of special felines. There is no one as important as a genuine Tabby cat. You should have reserved some caviar for me.”

“Sorry Tabby, all I can manage is a bowl of tuna fish.”

“With the natural juices?”

“Of course Tabby. Only the best for you.”

“Very well then I will partake of some tuna fish, but garnish it with chives on the side.”

“I though you did not eat chives.”

“Of course not, but I look at them. We felines eat with our eyes.”

Feline RDP Wednesday: Feline Brilliance

Feline RDP Tuesday: Feline Walk

Tabby

“Where are you going Tabby?”

“No panic Mrs. Human, I will be back. I am just doing a territorial inspection

There are smells to be smelt
and movements to be felt
It all has its worth
Things are creeping in the earth
I feel the vibrations
Shaking all foundations
Birds are a flying
I have to do some spying
Open up the cat flap
For my return after a lap
I am taking a  walk
With a feline to talk
He sprayed my land
which was not grand
Never trust a feline
I will give him a sign
and now I return
for a sleep to burn
I dug a hole
and achieved my goal.”

Feline RDP Tuesday: Feline Walk

Feline RDP Monday: Vigorous Feline

Tabby

Just look at me, you can see how exhausted I am. It was a day full of stress, and I can hardly keep my eyes open. It all began this morning when I heard the humans had left their beds. They have it good, they sleep all night. I do not have that luxury. Night is the time for action. I see it all through the window in the garden. There are things that creep outside and I have to keep an eye on them, and the humans just sleep.

Watching is exhausting, I could hardly keep my eyes open, and must admit I compensated afterwards with a few hours sleep – not enough, but it helped. So eventually the humans were awake and I had to wait for Mrs. Human to find the time to fill my outside bowl with fresh water. We felines must always wait, no respect for our superiority. Just when I thought I could at last recover from my fatigue, Mrs. Human cleaned my bowl with the vitamin pellets and refilled it. I know vitamin pellets are the most boring food a feline can eat, but in the morning she puts a fresh layer into the bowl. You know it is like opening a fresh jar of jam for a human breakfast, full of new flavours, and so are the new vitamin pellets. I had to put my relaxing sleep on one side and sample the new flavours of the dish. At last I could sleep, but after eating I had to clean my whiskers and teeth: another interruption, but now was the time and I settled into my bed.

I was exhausted. Now I am awake after sleeping for the last 10 hours, but am still not ready for action. I found a relaxing place on the bathroom carpet which is always nice and warm, but again  I must succumb to sleep. Life is just too vigorous for my daily tasks.  It’s a cat’s life.

Feline RDP Monday: Vigorous Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Plastic Feline

Tabby

“Mrs. Human, remove those two objects. They are disturbing my sleep sequence.”

“I found them in your toy box and thought you might want to play with them.”

“What are they – a mouse lookalike? I prefer the real thing.”

“You used to like playing with them when you were a kitten.”

“Do I now look like a kitten? If I want to play with mice I prefer the real thing: blood and bones and all things good for me. Why do humans have to imitate everything. A real live breathing mouse would be much more fun. And those furry plastic freaks do not have the real smell of it. Take them away, or give it to someone with kittens to practice on.”

“But I do not have any real mice Tabby.”

“I am sure you could organise a few on your computer. Oh the delights of a nice fresh juicy mouse.”

“No deal Tabby, I am not supplying you with such sweet little animals only for your bloodthirsty pleasures.”

“And what about you Mrs. Human? You were also enjoying your steak today for lunch, so why can I not also have my juicy bit of meat.”

“Tabby we are not in the jungle, your food arrives nicely paked in bags or in tins and I cook mine first.”

“In the good old days we would go on a hunt and bring the food home.”

“And what if you find nothing? Then there will be nothing to eat.”

“I will think that one over Mrs. Human. In the meanwhile you can open a tin of tuna fish and remove the two plastic furry imitation mice. It would create a bad impression if one of the local felines would see me playing with such baby toys.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Plastic Feline

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Crash

Tabby

“Tabby do you have something to say to a crash?”

“Who me, Mrs. Human. It is my bed time and I will now be crashing out on my bed. No more time, I only have 23 hours for a sleep and I have to fit the other hour into finding a new sleeping place, having a wash and a meal. Let’s crash another time, when I am awake.”

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Crash

Feline RDP Friday: Feline Shopping

Tabby

Me, shopping, forget it. I have a human for such menial tasks. She brings my my tuna fish regularly, so what more could a feline want. Perhaps opposable thumbs to open the tins, although she does it usually with no problem. Of course she does run a little wild now and again and brings home a bag of vitamin pellets, but as long as she has the tuna fish tins somewhere in the bag, there is no problem.

We felines do our shopping outside. It is almost self service. If it lives and breathes then kill it and eat it We do not beat about the paw, we pounce. As time goes on, I do not bother so much. I let the birds do their own thing, and chewing on all those bones exhausts my teeth somewhat. Mrs. Human says I am getting older, but so is she of course.  As long as she does some pre chewing on the bits and pieces she drops for me from the table, I do not mind.

In the evening she sits down to her meal. No vitamin pellets of course: the real thing. I sit patiently waiting and watching and then she gets a guilty feeling. It is then that I am suddenly confronted with a choice of ham, even roast beef. The good evenings are when Mr. Human also joins in. I am then confronted with a choice of delicacies. Yes, my human training programme has worked. Who needs to go shopping when life in my realm is a self service shop.

Feline RDP Friday: Feline Shopping

Feline RDP Thursday: Grateful Feline

Tabby

Gratitude? It does not exist in meow. Of course Mrs. Human is eternally grateful that I chose her home to make myself comfortable. She would have no purpose in her human life without me. Who could she feed otherwise and care for? She has tears of gratitude every time I use my litter box, not to mention the satisfaction she has from opening every tin of tuna fish.

And when I produce a hairball. She almosts rejoices that I can do something so individual. She cries with delight when she finds the traces on the carpet and she bows down on her hands and knees to wipe it away, although I am very understanding. I tell her not to bother: a hairball is the fulfilment of my feline way of being.

So what is there to be grateful about? Nothing really. Life revolves around I, me and myself and everything else is just complementary. I am the most important here. It was even said by a human “Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat” which just about sums it up. And now I will retire to a well earned sleep, life can be so exhausting. A feline does not have anything to say about gratitude, it is the others that are grateful that we exist. “Mrs. Human prepare my cushion for a sleep.”

Feline RDP Thursday: Grateful Feline

Feline RDP Wednesday: Feline Advice

Tabby

Take my advice kittens, if your 9 lives become too much for you, and the permanent bother of human hands giving tummy tickles are too much, just curl up somewhere quiet, close your eyes and sleep. It is easily done. We felines are experts. Ignore any external noise or movements, we can do it. Just float on a level above and use your telepathic influence to focus on any alterations in the surrounding atmosphere. Perhaps you might feel the movement of a mouse in the next house or in a field, but it can wait.

There is only one important moment in your sleep. When a tin of tuna fish is opened, the smell will develop and your senses will be awakened. You will hear the sound of the tin opener and feel its vibrations in the air. Such are the signals we need. So we meet at the food bowl together, drooling and waiting. And when the feast has been sampled, we retire again to our various peaceful cushions, remembering the delights sampled. Yes, a feline life is a hard life, but always be prepared to eat. Heed my advice. And do not forget the famous advice of the feline poet, Tiddles William Shakesspeare: if meows be the food of felines, eat on until there is none left.

Feline RDP Wednesday: Feline Advice