Feline RDP#17: Feline Antediluvian


“Tabby you have been sitting on the lawn for at least an hour.”

“Shh, I am waiting.”

“What are you waiting for.”

“I am waiting for the big ship. Look up into the sky, it is black and it will soon rain. You as a human should know what will happen.”

“Yes Tabby, it means that I will not have to give my garden any water, because it will rain.”

“That is why I am waiting. I do not like rain, and I will be the first on board.”

“On board what?”

“On the big boat, the ark. I just hope that the guy with the long beard does not choose the feline next door as my partner.”

“But Tabby, that happened thousands of years ago, if at all. Today we have things like dams to stop the oceans from rising and covering the earth with water.”

“You never know Mrs. Human and I cannot swim, but neither can the feline next door, which is his bad luck. I hope I don’t have to share a cabin with dogs. Perhaps they will put me together with the tigers, or even better with some birds.”

“Yes Tabby, you might be lucky and be able to share with a vulture and an eagle.”

“I mean the edible kind of bird and not winged monsters.”

“It has now began to rain Tabby and the ship has not yet arrived.”

“In that case I will wait indoors. Tell the guy that I have decided to stay at home, his boat is unreliable. And I heard there will be no fish on board.”

“Of coarse not Tabby, they swim in the sea and do not need a boat.”

Feline RDP#17: Feline Antediluvian

Feline RDP#16: Feline Target


I spy with my little eye
It has feathers and a beak
But every-time I approach
It always starts to squeak
He is giving out a warning
for all the birds to hear
All I really want is to help
He must really have no fear
I will stroke him with my paw
Perhaps I might ruffle the feathers
My care will be appreciated
to protect it from the weathers
Mrs. Human claps her hands
the birds have flown away
And all I wanted to do
Was to persuade the bird to stay

Feline RDP#16: Feline Target

Feline RDP#15: Feline Cataract


There is a fly on my nose, it looks very blurred
We Felines are short sighted, is what I have heard
A mouse in a field which can be far away
Is really no problem, and I know he  will stay
He cannot see me, but I can see him
I could pounce for the kill, just at a whim
Although I am older and my reactions not sure
I will let him walk further and be so demure
The birds are now sitting on branches too high
When I was younger I would jump to the sky
Age is upon me, but I still have my wish
Mrs. Human opens cans full of juicy tuna fish
Cataracts of energy no longer flow, but I do not worry
When my energy is low
I have my slaves, the humans are there
They recognize my status and for me they will care
So roll on the rivers of food and delight
My kingdom is here, all I do is sit tight

Feline RDP#15: Feline Cataract

Feline RDP#14: Feline Julienne


I like my food in mouth sized pieces , although if the food is worthy of the size I will manage to swallow anything. Here you can see me having a digesting sleep. It is important, no mater what is eaten, to allow the body to digest the various parts: ears, whiskers, legs, wings, or whatever, Even beaks can be worth a chew. It depends, of course, on what is on the menu. There is one rule to be observed, never eat a tail. It is not so much the tail but its attachment. My mum told me to leave the tails, although my apprentice, Fluffy (may he be happy in the eternal corn chambers) decided they were just as tasty as the rest. I have memories of him today with a mouse tail handing out of his mouth when he was on the last bite. He just got the wrong end of the mouse sometimes.

Of course we will not even bother to discuss the sizes of the vitamin pellets – it is not the size that is important, but the actual insult of being given such human made objects to eat. Even if they were in Julienne sized pieces, I would avoid them. Now tuna fish is a different kettle of fish (I think that is humour, but we do not have the word humour in meow, we have no laugh muscles). Tuna can be in all sizes, it makes no difference. As long as it is swimming in juice and is bone free (I have a preference for filleted food) then you can eat it. It might take an hour to eat a complete tuna fish, but what a wonderful hour.

And now I can hear the sound of the tin opener and must go. I do not want to miss anything, I might not get a second chance. I told Mrs. Human not to reduce the size of the tuna fish pieces, I eat with the eyes and the bigger the better.

Feline RDP#14: Feline Julienne

Feline RDP#13: Feline Smorgasbord


“Tabby, that is not very nice, growling at everyone and it looks like we should pay a visit to the vet to have your teeth scrapped.”

“My teeth are in perfect condition, it is the light that dims their radiance. Mrs. Human, what do you expect. I have been working hard all day and as a reward I just get a bowl of hard indigestible tasteless vitamin pellets. You could at least add a little variety to my menu: a sprig of rosemary, or thyme to the dish, it would make all the difference.”

“But Tabby, you do not eat herbs, your system is not equipped for digesting anything other than meat and I have not noticed that you have been hard at work.”

“Of course I was. It is not easy washing my complete wonderful luxurious fur with just one tongue and the sleeping exercise I had to perform as a follow up. At least six hours I had to sleep and now I am hungry, and not for a bowl of vitamin pellets. There must be a change here. You must buy at least 3 more bowls for my daily meal.”

“But one bowl is sufficient for your needs.”

“You think. I want choice. I notice humans eat something different every day, or would you like to eat your spaghetti every day with the same taste.”

“Of course not Tabby, we like variation in our meals.”

“And so do we felines. All I am asking is that perhaps in one bowl I could have an appetizer. Perhaps some finely minced chicken liver, just as a starter. In the second bowl you could put the main dish, preferably tuna fish in its juice of course, and as a follow up some yogurt as a digestive help. Just make sure that there is enough water to help the food to mingle with my digestive juices, preferably at room temperature. And a rose at the side of the bowl would not be out of place. I am sure it would make the food all the more enjoyable. Bowls of vitamin pellets remove any enjoyment of food.”

“But you still have half a bag of vitamin pellets to eat, they cost enough.”

“There you have it, it all revolves on money. You have me Mrs. Human, something more precious that any money. To care for me and my wishes is the peak of human satisfaction.”

“Yes Tabby, of course.”

Feline RDP#13: Feline Smorgasbord

Feline RDP#12: Feline Atavism


“Tabby why do you always put your paw in the bowl when you are drinking?”

“That is obvious Mrs. Human. My mum did it, her mum did it and even all my brothers and sisters did it. I am not sure whether my dad did it, but no-one is really sure what he did. He only stayed for a few minutes and disappeared afterwards. Mum didn’t even remember what he looked like. What a beginning in life!”

“But what is the purpose of putting your paw in the water.”

“Mrs. Human do not ask silly questions. That is obvious. All my ancesters on the maternal side did it. Just imagine not doing it, it would be a catastrophe.”

“What is the problem?”

“I have to hold the water to stop it slipping away. Just imagine scooping it up with your tongue and suddenly you have an empty tongue. The paw makes sure that the water stays.”

“But the water stays in the bowl in any case, even if you do not put your paw in the water.”

“How do you know. Have you ever seen me drink water without having my paw in the bowl?

“No Tabby, that is why I am asking. I thought it might be to stop the bowl slipping away.”

“It is all a chain reaction Mrs. Human. I put my paw in the water to stop the water from disappearing and to stop the bowl from moving. There is also the added pleasure of licking the water from the paw. And before you ask, water at paw temperature is the best you can have. Now if you would perhaps do something useful like emptying my recycling tray, or filling my bowl with tuna fish, I can drink my water in peace and quiet without having to answer silly questions from a human.”

Feline RDP#12: Feline Atavism

Feline RDP#11: Feline Bastion


Do  I have an inviting look on my face, do you think I allow anyone, be it human or feline, to enter my private locations? It is only for the special, those that belong and I say who belongs. This is my territory, sprayed in various places to show where the borders are. Luckily Mrs. Human recognises my power over my home and would never enter my sleeping quarters without an acknowledging light stroke on my fur. If I agree I allow her to perform a tummy tickle. However I say when and how.

If I am sleeping she has orders not to disturb and to keep her radio quiet. I discovered that this TV thing can be most annoying, but I usually retire  when she switches on. I have a territorial section outside which is my own private realm. Mrs. Human has been employed to keep any strange felines out. I suggested making a wire fence around my territory but she refused saying there might be problems with the neighbours. Felines never have problems with the neighbours, we have claws and teeth and hisses to keep everything under control.

Mrs. Human also says that not everyone likes felines. What an insult, I am the most pleasant of all felines. I can be very helpful, if I am rewarded with some tuna fish, or perhaps a twig of catnip. Everything has it price in life. Mrs. Human knows I will protect our home against any intrusions, after Mrs. Human has made sure that there is no danger to one of my lives by a preliminary inspection.

Yes together we are strong. I am very generous and always say “humans first”.

Feline RDP#11: Feline Bastion