Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Fabulists

Tabby

“Gather around kittens, today our lesson will be about telling the truth. Does anyone have anything to say on this subject. Yes Tiddles, your paw is the first to show.”

“My mum said never tell the truth, blame it on the others and if there is a dog, then even better.”

“Very good Tiddles. Did you have something to say Snowy”

“I always tell the truth, otherwise I have a bad conscience.”

“And now we have two differing opinions class. Of course the truth is always honourable, but kittens we must always avoid problems. Just a small correction Snowy, the word “consience” does not exist in meow. It seems you have been listening to too many human conversations.

It is a very good suggestion to always blame it on the dog, but what do we do when there is no dog.”

“Yes Tiddles.”

“Blame it on your brother or sister, even the feline next door.”

“And what do you do if they blame it on you.”

“Ignore them, and perhaps spray their territory when they are not looking. You can always have a paw fight to establish the truth.”

“Very good Tiddles.”

“Yes Butch?”

“You can just walk away and pretend you wasn’t there when it happened.”

“I see that you are learning very well. Snowy, perhaps you can stay an hour after class and I will give you a few indications in lying. Another tip is when difficult questions are asked, to perhaps have a wash or take a two hour sleep. Generally the whole problem will be forgotten eventually.

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Fabulists

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Fleek

Tabby

“Tabby what are you doing on that wall again?”

“Obvious Mrs. Human, I am having a fleek.”

“A what?”

“A fleek. You have never heard of it? It comes from a very old feline civilisation. It is one of the first words to be registered in the meow language.  Of could you must say it “fleemeoweek” but translation into human it means fleek.”

“But it is not a human word.”

“Of course not, it was influenced by the ancient felines back on planet Koschka before they took over the earth. They were fleeking all over the place. One of the reasons why the humans stopped sitting in the trees.”

“Tabby we were not sitting in the trees. We were then already lighting fires with sparks from stones or rubbing sticks together.”

“OK, but we felines then had two long teeth and were watching the silly humans. We just grew our fur coats a little longer and did not need a fire. And of course, we had fleek.”

“That may be Tabby, but come down from that wall.”

“Not possible Mrs. Human. The wall decided I should stay here for a conversation of “to fleek or not to fleek”. Such things must be discussed to clarify matters. Are you fleeking tonight Mrs. Human.”

“No Tabby, I am not fleeking, but preparing a bowl of tuna fish.”

“Ok, but you should perhaps put the bowl on the top of wall so that I can share it.”

“Who do you want to share it with.”

“The wall of course, although it just told me it has no digestive organs. It is quite happy to watch me enjoy the tuna fish. And don’t forget to fleek it a little, Mrs. Human.”

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Fleek

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Burble

Tabby

“Tabby what are you doing?”

“Mrs. Human, I am having a drink.”

“I can hear you burbling in the bowl, but why do you have your paw in the bowl as well?”

“That is obvious, even for a simple human. I have to make sure the water does not escape and stays where it is.”

“But the water is in the bowl.”

“I know, but only because I am making sure it stays in the bowl. If I remove my paw the water will go.”

“No Tabby, it will remain where it is.”

“Of course it remains where it is, but only because I put my paw in the bowl to keep it there.”

“Take your paw out of the bowl Tabby, and you will see it is still there.”

“No way. You humans have strange ideas. You are continuously putting water in your sink and where is it now?”

“I let it go into the drain.”

“Because you did not use your hand to stop it going.”

“I did not want to stop it going anywhere Tabby. I wanted it to go down the drain.”

“You mean that dark place at the bottom of the sink. I do not trust it. Your water burbles before it disappears into dark places.  That is why I keep my paw in my bowl to make sure the water does not go to the place of no return.”

“You really should not be so dramatic Tabby. Where do you think the water goes when I empty your bowl in the morning and fill it again with fresh water?”

“I would rather not know Mrs. Human. At the moment my water is in my bowl and I am keeping it where it is. It is behaving with no burbles. Your water even makes glugging noises when it disappears. One day it will return and revenge itself.”

“Take revenge for what?”

“Letting it fall into the sink, logical really. Strange creatures humans, the do not understand the physics of fresh water.”

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Burble

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Slapdash

Tabby

“Tabby, don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what, Mrs. Human.”

“As if I should throw you some of my food from the table.”

“Not at all Mrs. Human. I expect you to serve it in a bowl, garnished with fresh herbs.”

“You do not eat herbs Tabby, so I wil not bother.”

“Typical slapdash human. We felines also eat with the eyes, you know. And what are we eating this evening.”

“We are not eating anything, but I am eating my evening meal.”

“What about me, I also have a right to an evening meal. It is written in the law that felines are  to be given preferred attention.”

“Not in my law Tabby.”

“But in mine. Human laws change all the time, but our laws have remained from the beginning. What is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine. It is written in the Book of Bastet on the first page.”

“Seems to me that Bastet was quite the egoist with her laws.”

“Of course. The first words that any kitten learns in meow are “I, me and myself”, so where is my food?”

Tabby

“There you are Tabby.”

“What is that, a few crumbs for me to eat on the floor. Where is the respect to a feline that was once worshipped as a god?”

“Past tense Tabby, those days are over. We now have equality and you have a bowl full of healthy vitamin pellets.”

“Big deal, but it seems that some are more equal than others. I would never treat a Persian cat differently to a Tabby, we all eat the same.”

“Of course Tabby, although I believe the vitamin pellets are made of better quality for Persian cats.”

“And I am sure they do not have to grovel on the floor to lap up the morsels thrown to them by their humans. You see, no appreciation for the Tabbys.”

“Where are you going Tabby.”

“I am going to bed for a good sulk.”

“Oh, that is a shame. I happen to have some liver as an extra. It was too much for me.”

“You could have said something. So bring it on and garnish with something that makes it look good.”

“Of course Tabby, anything for a quiet life.”

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Slapdash

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Robot

Tabby

Gather around kittens and heed my wise words. Today we are learning how to clean in details. Tiddles stop biting Butch. He might have a tic in his fur, but it is his tic to do what he wants with it, not yours.

Of course I repeat myself. I do everything with care and follow exact details. The tongue is the best tool for a good clean, but you have to start at the beginning and carry it through to the end: no short cuts. I once knew a feline who began with the paws, how ridiculous. You clear away the dirt and stones between the claws and have a mouth full of gritty bits and then, yes that is the problem. You proceed to another part of your body and suddenly you have stones  where they do not belong, being transported by tongue.

Paw down Tiddles. What to do with a tic when you find it? Shake your fur. If the tic is finished with its meal it will fall and do not heed the human scream when they tread on it, it is all part of the daily feline cleaning routine.

So where was I, yes begin with a thorough lick on the paw, right front paw and then use it to wipe over the face beginning with behind the ear. “Yes Tiddles, I know we are not all right pawed. Then you can apply the left paw and begin on the other side”. The main thing is kittens, that afterwards  you can show your face with a nice threatening look.

Now pay attention. If you wish, you can retire to a quiet corner, but it is not necessary. There are certain parts of the feline body that now have to be moved expertly. Just raise the back right leg (or for the left pawed, the left right leg) and you discover places you never knew existed. Now have a nice good lick. “Butch not now, there are ladies here as well, be a little discriminate where you put your tongue and who sees it.”

I would say you should all practice at home and the next time you we see each other I will do a body check to make sure you have followed my instructions. Next week we will discuss on how to leave lotus flowers behind you when you walk. “No Butch, lotus flowers, not cat nip.”

Feline RDP Saturday: Feline Robot