Feline RDP Sunday: Objecting Feline

Tabby

“Mrs. Human I am sleeping and object to having a camera thrust in front of me, it disturbs my sleep pattern.”

“I just wanted to take a daily photo for your blog. You could at least wave for your many followers.”

“Mrs. Human you have so many daily photos and I am sleeping, not waving to anyone. Wake me up if anything exciting happens like a bowl full of tuna fish, or a passing mouse that has lost its way.”

“But it is such good weather outside Tabby, I thought you might like to take a walk. I saw that Roshti, the feline next door, was also waiting outside.”

“Where was he waiting, in my territory?”

“Tabby I must admit I do not know where your territory begins and ends.”

“Mrs. Human you are neglecting me. The first rule of a human slave is to make a plan of my territory for the other cats so that they know where they are allowed to walk and where not. I mark my borders every day.”

“I know Tabby, but your borders change every day and seem to be growing.”

“Of course they are. One day it will all be mine, just a matter of spraying in the right places.”

“Yes Tabby, but you tend to overdo it with the spraying. I now have new plants in the garden, and herbs that I used for cooking and that is not so appetising when they are sprayed.”

“Not my problem Mrs. Human I do not cook with herbs. My food is environment friendly, made only with natural products, although I would appreciate a little more imagination when preparing it. We felines also eat with the eyes Mrs. Human. Just perhaps garnished with a little Cilantro would do quite nicely and of course a twig of catmint on the side for perfection. You should really show more care when serving the food. Just pouring vitamin pellets from a plastic bag, or opening a tin of fish is not the fine art. And now leave me to finish my beauty sleep. And don’t forget to top up my bowl of water. You may use mineral water, without gas. It helps me to digest better than the usual tap water.”

“Of course Tabby, it seems I have been neglecting you lately.”

“You are forgiven, but pay attention that it does not happen again.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Objecting Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Ring

Tabby

Felines do not dance or hold paws to make a ring
On a full moon night, we like to have a sing
It is one for myself and myself for me
We do not need another cat, it is not our way to be
We meow up to the stars and everyone can hear
The humans shout complaints, but that we do not fear
I know I should write more, but there is nothing more to meow
We are involved in ourselves, we are so very highbrow
Being a feline soprano the glasses crack and fall
Tiddles is a baritone, he prefers to sing it cool
We have a feline chorus, with meows in every way
Not all of us sing in tune, but together we will sway
So let us do our own thing, and ring it out and loud
Cats can be so musical, with our voices we are so proud.

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Ring

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Sequelae

Tabby

“Tabby, what are you doing on my new raised garden bed?”

“Trying it out of course, Mrs. Human. If you go to the trouble of making a recycling container for me, the least I can do is to christen it.”

“There will be no christening party Tabby. That is for my cooking herbs.”

“Yes, I noticed there are some strange plants already there. You will have to remove them to give me more room.”

“Tabby this new garden bed is for me not for you.”

“But I have already claimed it as part of my territory.”

“Then unclaim it. Your territorial demands are now a little over the limit. And how do you come down again Tabby? Have you thought about the sequelae of your actions.”

“Speak meow Mrs. Human and do not use words in human that you only get from dictionaries, just because it was today’s daily prompt. I was looking on my pawpad and was wondering how you would use that word, so I thought I would help a bit by trying out my new recycling box.”

“Thankyou Tabby, but that is not your new recycling box. That is my new raised bed for herbs.”

“You mean that green  stuff sticking out of the earth. It smells, even stinks, get rid of it.”

“Does not come into the question Tabby, and your smell afterwards is not better.”

“I beg your pardon, I do not smell, it is perfume.”

“And how do you come back to ground level.”

“The same way as I got here, but in reverse of course.”

“And what if you fall and injure yourself. I will have to take you to the vet.”

“Oh, in that case perhaps you could lift me and put me back onto the ground.”

“Tabby the solution is to forget my new garden beds and stay on ground level. You have enough space for your territory.”

“I never have enough. And I thought this new garden was planned according to my feline wishes.”

“Sometimes we humans also have wishes, not including felines.”

“Mrs. Human I see that we must have a serious talk under four eyes and whiskers.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Sequelae

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Secrete

Tabby

“Mrs. Human, where is my hairball.”

“Which hairball Tabby.”

“The one I placed on the carpet in the bathroom. It is no longer there.”

“Of course not Tabby, I do like hairballs on my bathroom carpet.”

“But that is my favourite carpet. The size fits my body perfectly and is always nice and warm when the sun no longer shines. I made the hairball extra for the bathroom carpet so that I would feel more at home.”

“Sorry Tabby, but your hairballs do not make me feel at home.”

“Do not forget Mrs. Human, this is my home, I just put up with you for emptying my recycling tray and filling my bowls with food and water. You also have decorations like photos on the wall and strange ornaments which are probably your gods. I also like to have some decoration to make it more homely and so I produced a hairball with feeling. I loved that hairball, it was so colourful and nicely shaped. Where is it.?”

“Sorry Tabby, but I put it in the garbage can.”

“You threw it away? My hairball? Hairballs are not easy to manufacture Mrs. Human. It needs energy to form them, Shall I tell you the secrets of the hairball forming processes.”

“No thank you Tabby, just keep your secrets to yourself.”

“But if you realise the effort and time I invest in their production, you would have more respect for the result. A hairball does not belong in the garbage but in a special place where it can be worshipped as we felines were when we were gods.”

“Tabby, sorry, but I do not find anything special about a hairball and watching you produce one is not exactly exciting.”

“You watched me produce it and dispose of it as if it was nothing, How would you like it when I would throw away your photos.”

“Tabby that is not the same.”

“Of course not, my hairballs live, they are memories, no respect for felines.”

“Forget it Tabby, I really do not want to have a conversation about hairball organisation. What about eating some real food: a nice bowl of tuna fish, but no hairball fabrication.”

“Ok Mrs. Human, but hairballs are not made from tuna fish. The best results are with vitamin pellets.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Secrete

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Panoply

Tabby

Today kittens we are preparing for our life alone in the big wide world. You wil learn to defend your rights and above all to protect your territory.

“Yes Tiddles. How you know it is your territory? Because you have already marked it with your own signs of course.”

“But my mum says marking is not the idea, you just take what you want. You can meow about who the smells belong to afterwards if they are still alive.”

“Your mum seems to have some revolutionary thoughts on possession.”

“She says everything belongs to you, just a matter of having sharp claws.”

“But you are still a kitten Tiddles and can easily lose the battle.”

“My mum said no problem, just call her and she will show who is the boss.”

“And what does you father say.”

“Don’t know, we have a lot of dads living with my mum. She cannot even remember which one is my dad.”

And now just a few points to remember for your future life kittens. “Yes Tiddles, I know, the kittens can always ask your mum if they are not sure. I am  certain she knows all the answers.”

Always sharpen your claws before going anywhere, you never know who might be waiting outside the cat flap. Be prepared and scratch first, ask questions afterwards.

Test your teeth, preferably on a piece of steak, nice and bloody. Bite into it and tear it apart. Tasting blood is always a positive action, it gives you the confidence you need to win the battle.

It is also a good idea to not eat anything before going. You then feel hungry and have more interest in the kill,

If you find a victim have a good sniff first of all to make sure it is the stuff that we felines like to eat. If the smell is right give it a prod and if it moves, then kill it.

Do not forget, if it barks then run in the other direction, you are not yet ready for that. “Yes Tiddles, I am sure your mum has no problems with the ones that bark.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Panoply</a> 

Feline RDP Sunday: Fathoming Feline

Tabby

“I really do not understand felines, Tabby. You sleep all day and never seem to suffer from insomnia.”

“Mrs. Human I do not sleep all day, we felines have important work to do and insomnia does not exist in meow.”

“But work does not get done if you sleep all the time. Where would you be when I would spend all day sleeping.”

“You spend all night sleeping Mrs. Human, that is sufficient. During the day you need to be awake to tend to my desires. The feline day has 24 hours  Mrs. Human: twice as intensive as yours. I do not only sleep, that is a myth that the humans invented to keep them content. We felines need our sleep to ponder on the daily chores.”

“But you have no chores if you sleep all the time.”

“Mrs. Human we have stress. We sleep for at least 23 hours which is exhausting in itself. We only have an hour left to eat, wash, and organise our humans. Imagine the stress we have, not to mention the manufacture or a few hairballs to complete our artistic needs.”

“But I do not notice that you are in a hurry when you are not sleeping. You take your time with washing and eating.”

“That is because luckily our day has more that 24 hours.”

“But the day always has 24 hours.”

“Only if you are a human. We felines have a different time measuring system. It might seem that we sleep for 23 hours, but we are floating in our own hemisphere of sleep, with additional time in between. According to the mathematical sequences of Bast’s law, our 23 human hours are merely 12 in feline variations. It just seems like 23 hours to a human but all the other chores are done whilst we are sleeping.”

“But I do not see you moving in your sleep except for now and again when you turn three circles and sink down afterwards again into you cushion.”

“That is the springing feline point Mrs. Human. What we felines achieve in those three circles is beyond human comprehension.

And now you have at least 12 hours at your disposal Mrs. Human in human measurements. I would say you could put those 12 hours to good use by composing a dish of tuna fish, filling my two bowls with fresh water and refreshing my recycling box. You may also dust down my various chairs and sleeping cushions and there will also be time to go shopping for more supplies: the tuna fish tins are running low.”

“Yes of course Tabby, but I also have some work to do for myself.”

“You know what that guy said Mrs. Human: Felines first.”

“I do not remember him using the work “felines”.”

“That is just a small detail.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Fathoming Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Sequacious Feline

Tabby

“Tabby what are you doing in front of the window?”

“I want to come in.”

“But just a few seconds ago you were scratching at the same window to signal that you wanted to go out.”

“I did, but when I arrived outside I realised that I would prefer to be on the other side of the window, so let me in.”

“Tabby, you can really be extremely sequacious.”

“Just talk meow in words I understand and let me in.”

“I have problems following your thought process sometimes. You want to go out and then you want to come in.”

“Is that so difficult to understand. Of course I wanted to go out but on my way out I changed my mind to come in, a feline prerogative,”

“It seems to me that the feline way of life is only prerogatives. And now you are inside again, so stop pawing at that window.”

“I have changed my mind and decided that my first intention was better, so let me out.”

“Tabby, you are exhausting my patience.”

“And mine too. Typical human, never spares a thought for others. We felines are to be respected at all times, we were once worshipped as Gods.”

“But not any more Tabby.”

“That is not important, we were there and did it. The human was lucky to have been able to climb down from the trees and eat something else other than a banana, so open the window.”

“What is so important that you have to go outside.”

“How should I know, I will find out when I get there. On the other paw, perhaps I might stay a while. I just noticed you have the tin opener in your opposable thumbs.”

“Yes Tabby, I am opening a tin of ravioli for the evening meal.”

“But I don’t eat ravioli, so open up a tin of tuna fish.”

“Now who is being selfish.”

“Definitely not me, I don’t mind if you open your tin of ravioli, but first of all open the tuna fish.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Sequacious Feline