Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Dreams

Tabby

“Awake Tabby?”

“Not yet Mrs. Human, I am still there.”

“Where?”

“That place where the dreams are made.”

“What did you dream of Tabby?”

“None of your business Mrs. Human. I do not ask you what you dream about. Feline dreams are reality of course. Just because my eyes are closed and you can see me, I am not really here. I am having some action with the other felines that are sleeping.”

“But you are sleeping.”

“Forget it Mrs. Human, the feline sleep is on a higher level. Our dreams are not dreams but reality. Of course sometimes we have meowmares, but I conquer them with my whiskers.”

“With your whiskers, but they are just facial hairs.”

“Forget it. Where did the humans get the idea of having antennas to broadcast? From the felines of course. Our whiskers are for sending and receiving signals whilst we are sleeping. I mean did you ever wonder why the dinosaurs disappeared.?”

“It was some sort of climate change I believe.”

“It was because they were getting too big and some of us felines were getting trampled by their big feet. We had a whisker conference and decided it was time for them to go, so we dreamed them away.”

“You mean if something disturbs the feline world, you just dream it away.”

“No problem: any tuna fish for dinner Mrs. Human.”

“Not today Tabby. No Tabby, my feet are disappearing.”

“OK, let’s have tuna fish now and I will bring them back. I told you we remove any disturbances, just dream it away.”

“Is a bowl of tuna fish enough, or do you want more.”

“Just one bowl Mrs. Human, we do not want to overdo it.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Dreams

Feline RDP Sunday: Singing Feline

Tabby

Meow, meow, meow
I will show you how
Just breathe in deeply and sing your song
After me, no the words are wrong
Mrs. Human it is not la la la
it comes from the throat, do not make a blah
You must train your vocal chords with a hiss
On a high pitched note and do not miss
Humans have no idea of tones
The noise they make just shakes my bones
We felines sing it loud and clear
We are singing our carols, Catmas is here.

Feline RDP Sunday: Singing Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Plastic Feline

Tabby

“Mrs. Human, remove those two objects. They are disturbing my sleep sequence.”

“I found them in your toy box and thought you might want to play with them.”

“What are they – a mouse lookalike? I prefer the real thing.”

“You used to like playing with them when you were a kitten.”

“Do I now look like a kitten? If I want to play with mice I prefer the real thing: blood and bones and all things good for me. Why do humans have to imitate everything. A real live breathing mouse would be much more fun. And those furry plastic freaks do not have the real smell of it. Take them away, or give it to someone with kittens to practice on.”

“But I do not have any real mice Tabby.”

“I am sure you could organise a few on your computer. Oh the delights of a nice fresh juicy mouse.”

“No deal Tabby, I am not supplying you with such sweet little animals only for your bloodthirsty pleasures.”

“And what about you Mrs. Human? You were also enjoying your steak today for lunch, so why can I not also have my juicy bit of meat.”

“Tabby we are not in the jungle, your food arrives nicely paked in bags or in tins and I cook mine first.”

“In the good old days we would go on a hunt and bring the food home.”

“And what if you find nothing? Then there will be nothing to eat.”

“I will think that one over Mrs. Human. In the meanwhile you can open a tin of tuna fish and remove the two plastic furry imitation mice. It would create a bad impression if one of the local felines would see me playing with such baby toys.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Plastic Feline

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Mug

Tabby

“Mrs. Human I have told you time and time again. I do not like it when you take mug shots of me without my express permission. There are moments when my true beauty does not show and when I am relaxing and refurbishing my good looks I do not need a camera in front of my face. It destroys my chances for cat of the year.”

“But Tabby you look so sweet when you are yawning and showing all your ferocity.”

“I am not ferocious, I am a sweet feline that is always in a good mood, except when I do not give my express permission for photos. And now leave me to sleep further, without any interruptions.”

“I was just about to prepare your evening meal.”

“In that case I will rethink my further relaxation. What am I getting.”

“It is Sunday and I thought some tuna fish would be suitable.”

“What are you garnishing it with?”

“Tabby you do not need a garnish, you do not eat it.”

“Some chopped chives would perhaps be suitable. I also eat with my eyes Mrs. Human and just a plate of fish shows no feeling and does not encourage me.”

“I never noticed that you need encouragement to eat tuna fish Tabby.”

“That is not the point Mrs. Human, but a little dignity when serving my food would be appropriate and no, do not take a photo. My life is becoming far too public here. Everyone sees what I am doing daily.”

“You mean I should not put your photos on Facepaw after I take them.”

“Definitely not, they will all be laughing at me. Imagine the kittens having no respect for me. I am their guiding paw in the world. You have already destroyed my image with this yawning photo today. And now leave me to eat my tuna fish in peace and quiet.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Mug

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Squirrel

Tabby

If it breathes and moves
then kill it for a meal
I am now on the search
for a squirrel that might fill
My online pawfriends tell me
That squirrels live in trees
But I have not found any
I think it is a tease
And so I stay with mice
and might even catch a bird
But squirrels are elusive
I only know by word
In the meantime I am squirrelling
some tuna fish for later
I will then enjoy my food
for my appetite it will cater
I really had some problems
writing about a squirrel
I do not know what it is
It might be something scurril

 Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Squirrel

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Mentor

Tabby

“Come down from that wall Tabby, before you have an accident.”

“No problem, Mrs. Human, my wall will protect me.”

“Because of the wall you might fall.”

“Never, the wall is my mentor.”

“Walls are not mentors. A mentor is someone that will advise you. Just as I am advising you to come down from the wall.”

“No way. A mentor is also someone that will train me to do the right thing, and you have never trained me to do anything. Humans only have two paws and fur on their heads, so are incomplete. I must admit you have opposing thumbs, but that is necessary to open the tins of tuna fish. We cannot be expected to do everything. But a wall is my mentor, he gives me an example of standing firm: the wall is my protection and inspires me to achieve untold heights.”

“Tabby, the only untold heights it inspires is to make you jump from the wall.”

“Wrong Mrs. Human. First of all I feel the way with my paw and then gracefully descend. There is no jumping. My wall is my advisor and gave me exact instructions. It said “trust me, I will show you the way”.”

“Tabby walls do not talk.”

“Wrong Mrs. Human, the wall talks to me. He is at this moment telling me not to heed the words of an ignorant human, that has no wall appreciation, a non-believer.”

“If your wall is so clever, why can I not hear its wise words.”

“Obvious Mrs. Human, because you are not able to use telepathy. I think you had the wrong mentors in your life. Your mentors told you that telepathy does not exist and so you believed them. They told you that walls do not have feelings. Humans are really unjust in their treatment of walls. And now please leave me. I have to calm my wall down, you have caused it to get excited and it is disappointed that no-one trusts a wall. “There there wall, stop crying, Mrs. Human does not meant it.” See what you have done my wall is now wet.”

“Stay cool Tabby, that is because it is raining.”

“Another weak excuse, why do humans not recognise the importance of wall psychology.”

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Mentor

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Home

Tabby

Home is quite easy to define for a feline. I knew when I engaged Mrs. Human as my personal slave, that it was the right place. Of course I had to establish my ownership at the beginning. There were many disagreements, but I persuaded Mrs. Human that my way is the right way

I remember at the beginning there was a slight misunderstanding about the various rooms she had. She told me that her bedroom was forbidden territory, but after taking ownership of her bed she realised who was the actual feline in charge. I made a concession that she was allowed to place a cover on her bed. It even looked better, although she was talking about cat hairs everywhere. I had to remind her that a home was not a home without traces of cat fur. We are still discussing that point.

As there are wide spaces outside that I have also claimed as my territory I decided not to spray indoors to claim my possession. It would be too much stress for me. I have enough problems when I deposit a hairball in a strategic place. Mrs. Human removes them with her mop. Unfortunately she has no respect for feline artistic creations.

The food problem has still not been solved, but I am working on it. Dry hard vitamin pellets have nothing to do with a homely feeling, they are more an ordeal. Luckily she likes to give me a treat with tuna fish. I do not need treats, I need a stable diet of fish to keep me happy which goes without saying. I am also still working on that one.

I now have my own personal wall outside at last. Mrs. Human likes to pretend that it is her new garden renovation. Actually it was my idea, all done by feline telepathic suggestion, but she is happy when she thinks it is her idea. Humans are the ideal slaves, you just have to manipulate them a little and then you have your ideal home.

Tabby

Feline RDP Sunday: Feline Home