Just look at me, I am so perfect, it is almost unbelievable. I am so good at everything. This morning I even helped Mrs. Human to make a life important decision – for me. She was about to fill my food bowl with hard vitamin pellets and I made a careful correction using my telepathic waves of enlightenment on her brain. Human brains are of course smaller in capacity than feline brains, but she got the message with a hiss and paw swipe. She immediately opened a tin of tuna fish, so the day was saved.
After my breakfast I examined my territory under the watchful eye of Mrs. Human, who was waiting for my recycling process to be terminated so that she could clean my recycling tray immediately. Yes, I am an excellent human trainer, even my feline friends on pawbook ask me for advice. I am a certified feline first class of human training. The first rule is always be one paw ahead. Humans are slow in comprehension of the meow meaning of a word and so I have to be patient that she is aware of her duty.
Of course I am patient with her, I show her the way but a slight meow and scratch now and again gives her a push in the right direction. Last week she forgot to fill my water bowl after an hour. I must have fresh water regularly, after all I was once worshipped as a god. I pointed this out to her, with yet another scratch, and she begged for forgiveness and promised she would never do it again.
“Tabby what are you telling your followers about me?”
“Nothing Mrs. Human.”
“You put your paw into your water bowl, and emptied it and so I had to refill it. I do not give you water once and hour, twice a day is enough and I did not beg for forgiveness.”
“That was a mistake Mrs. Human and Shhh Mrs. Human, you are destroying my image of the perfect feline.”
“Tabby no-one is perfect, not even a feline.”
“That is human logic, feline logic says no-one is perfect except for felines.”
“Of course Tabby, how wrong can a stupid human be? Your normal bowl of tuna garnished with tarragon this evening Tabby?”
“Yes, of course, and perhaps a side dish of catnip for a little high life afterwards?”
“No problem Tabby, I am always at your service.”